The Family Assistance and Parent Support Program

Causes and Solutions to Family Conflict

The mounting dilemma of separation and divorce in recent years has resulted in a substantial rise of family-conflict and has led to the destruction of many families. We expect, through the implementation of this program, that what has been happening to families as a result of family conflict and the court process will be dramatically reduced.

Most tragically, it is the parents who have the most intense love for their children and possess the highest standard of equality and fairness, who, unfortunately, are the ones most devastated as a result of the adversarial family-court system. It is these parents, who will fight the hardest to ensure that their children benefit from a parenting environment that is based on the principles of equal-parenting, cooperation and fairness, yet, they are often the ones who lose through the court process. Those who helped develop the Family Assistance and Parent Support Program believe that difficulties encountered during a family’s transition into their new arrangement, are due generally to the various elements of conflict discussed below.

A power-imbalance occurring within the family-unit is recognized to be a primary cause of conflict in families. Each family’s particular power-imbalance will create a unique, specific set of associated conflicts. The present family justice system fails to effectively address and in the majority of cases intensifies this imbalance. Litigating in court to get custody and control of the children is one of the main sources of power that one parent will attempt to secure in order to hold power over the other parent and the children.

A key element of the Family Assistance and Parent Support Program is to identify and address the specific causes of a family’s conflict. Due to the difficulties and stress facing a recently separated family, conflict can easily arise, becoming an inflexible barrier, blocking a mutually cooperative transition to their new family arrangement. Both professionals and knowledgeable members of the public agree there are a specific number of basic underlying elements of conflict as to why separated family disputes escalate to the point where due to extraordinary strain, they are induced and drawn into the current adversarial family court system. In reality, a greater number of disputes are solved outside the court system between the parties themselves. When analysed, the reasons why many family disputes do not proceed to court, are due to the ability of the family to find its own answers to the conflicts noted here. These elements of conflict, which are summarized below, are clearly present within those families that proceed into the family-court system.

These emotions represent an important contribution to the overall power-imbalance that occurs between separating parents. The majority of family disputes that end up in the courtroom, are the results of anger and revenge, often with little consideration for the overall emotional and financial effects on the family. Frequently, one or both parties want to punish the other by creating various difficulties within the family, which are intended to hurt the other parent. In the end, nothing is accomplished, except to emotionally and financially devastate one or both parents to the detriment of the children. Some examples where anger and revenge are:

• One parent will exhaust the other parent’s financial assets. This is a well-known strategy, often used and encouraged by the legal system.

• One parent will devaluing the other parent to the children.

• One parent will initiate adversarial court proceedings for the purpose of gaining substantial advantage over the other parent.

Another key cause of conflict closely associated with anger and revenge is power and control. This factor is often the root cause of some of the other causes of conflict identified. Some examples where a parent may exhibit power and control:

• One parent is obsessed with sole custody and will not settle for anything less.

• The custodial parent will emphasize to others such as school officials that they are the parent in charge and that everyone must speak to them.

• Will create difficulties at every step of the way for the other parent, such as with school, holidays, extra curricular activities, etc. Often the difficulties are created just to show the other parent that they are the one in control over the other parent.

• Access denials are used to exhibit control whenever the controlled parent does something that the controlling parent does not like.

Often parents will manipulate the system (legal or government agencies) as a tool to use in their pursuit to create anguish and difficulty for the other parent. This is very often linked to their need for revenge. In a sense, these agencies become an indirect accomplice to the destruction of the family. Examples of this manipulation include:

• Unwarranted intervention of a child support collection agency where the parent is willing to financially provide support without the intervention of an overseeing government body.

• One parent imposing the use of a supervised access centre, when circumstances show that it is not required.

• A parent receiving governmental assistance may intentionally misuse the legal aid system to bring about, at no cost to them, financial and emotional hardship for the other parent.

• Abuse of child protection agencies, or police by the use of false allegations or misleading information.

• Parent will mislead school officials with false and misleading information so that they will side with them against the other parent. Often this is used to keep the other parent away from the child when the child is at school.

Parental interference, closely linked to anger and revenge, will raise the level of animosity experienced by parents and children. Interfering with the other parent’s ability to share in their child’s ongoing parenting process allows for fulfillment of their desire for anger and revenge. Further examples of interference are:

• One parent is intentionally late during the exchange of children, using any excuse, such as traffic or illness, to create interference with the other parent’s scheduled time.

• One parent refuses to allow the children to attend special family events during the other parent’s non-scheduled parenting time, or their refusal to accommodate reasonable changes to parenting arrangements when requested by the other parent.

• One parent expresses fear-based statements concerning the other parent to the child, creating difficulty and stress for the child to voice hi/her true feelings and desires.

• Even though one parent is unable to attend his/her child’s activities or events, one parent will try to prevent the other parent from participating. Such activities include school field trips, lunches etc.

• A parent places his/her child in daycare, when the other parent is quite capable and willing to provide this care for the child.

Personal financial gain is also another strong motivator of family-conflict. Gaining custody and control of the children involved is often desired as a way of increasing one parties personal financial gain to the disadvantage of the other parent. Personal gains made in the name of child support promote animosity, anger and revenge. Children’s values of fairness and equality are adversely affected when they see one parent take financial advantage of the other. Some examples of a parent acting only to promote their own personal financial gain are:

• Ravaging public legal resources (legal assistance) in order to devastate the other parent while bettering themselves. The attitude "take him/her to the cleaners" motivates this type of action.

• Money that is paid supposedly as child support is used instead to support the personal life style of the custodial parent.

• Custodial parent continues to collect child support unfairly during times of extended parenting by the non-custodial parent (e.g. summer holidays).

• A parent not respecting an older child’s desire to live with their other parent due to the resulting loss in child support or government assistance income.

A significant factor, which accounts for much of the extensive family-conflict prevalent today, is the non enforcement of valid court Orders. Custodial parents frequently ignore court Orders, as they know that it is very difficult for the non-custodial parent to take action. Due to matters involving family-conflicts being considered civil matters, police and other enforcement services do not want to get involved. It can cost a non-custodial parent thousands of dollars in court costs to attempt to have access/parenting-time Orders enforced. The lack of enforcement of Orders has resulted in the loss of the public faith in the family court system. The following are examples of non-compliance:

• Court ordered telephone access may not be allowed by the custodial parent

• Court ordered parenting-time denied.

• Refusal to provide information and reports concerning the condition of the child’s education and health & welfare status.

The family-court system, faced with the multitude of complex difficult issues that a separating family often experience, is often not able to render decisions that are fair and just to all family members. All too often a family-court decision is reached where one parent has not received fair treatment. Their parenting relationship as well as all other aspects relating to their child’s well being is placed under the control of the other parent. Often a factor contributing to faulty decisions rendered by the courts is the lack of resources for proper process and management of the family’s case. Custody may be given to one party, while evidence may indicate that the other party is just as capable a parent. Other circumstances widely experienced by parents which may make them feel unjustly treated are:

• Failure of authorities (Courts, Police) to enforce the current effective court Order.

• Financial affairs of support payor scrutinized with no scrutiny or financial accountability being imposed on the support receiver.

• Awarding sole-custody (assigning unlimited authority) to the parent who has demonstrated uncooperative and vindictive behavior.

• Court judgements that are often gender biased. Most custody decisions favor one parent, usually the mother, when both are equally capable of fulfilling their roles as parents.

• A parent is not given sufficient parenting time to allow them to have a meaningful parent-child relationship.

• Court does not acknowledge child’s desire to spend more time with the non-custodial parent.

• Excessive child support imposed on the child support payor.

• Failure to recognize importance of child’s relationship with grandparents and extended family members.

When forced to deal with an unfamiliar crisis, the inexperienced, recently separated family is easily swayed by outside influences, some of which may be beneficial to the family while others detrimental. Initially, parents may not wish to go to court, but are subsequently encouraged by friends and/or professionals. They are influenced into believing that they have more to gain than the other parent by litigating rather than settling on what would be considered a fair settlement. Although many fair-minded and concerned legal professionals do help by finding workable, fair solutions for their clients, there are, unfortunately, a number of legal professionals who undermine these efforts by encouraging their clients to pursue court action even when the other party is extending a reasonable offer. There is a growing concern among the general public about those in the legal professional who put the wishes of their client ahead of what is in the best interests of the family. This selfish practice is tainting the reputation of all those in the legal community. Some examples of conflict encouragement:

• The lawyer suggests that the parent use stalling tactics and procedural impediments to settling matters.

• A parent’s new mate instigating conflict for their own self-interest.

• A neighbour or friend makes statements which further reinforces a parent’s belief that the other parent was the cause of all the problem and that he/she should be "taken to the cleaners"

• Police routinely advise a parent to get themselves a lawyer rather than a family counselor.

In a small number of cases, parents or other family members may have valid concerns about whether the health and safety of the children is being ensured. Failure to have their concerns addressed, may impel them to take the other parent to court for various reasons, some of them being:

• One parent is being abusive to other parent in the presence of the children.

• One parent is being physically or emotionally abusive to the children.

• Children are exposed to an environment where drugs, alcohol or an anti-social environment are present.

• One parent fails to provide the child with basic necessities such as; food, shelter, clothing, education, social skills, etc.

• One parent is knowingly trying to damage the relationship between the children and the other parent intending to cause Parental Alienation.

The action of taking the other parent to court is likely to create conflict, but in these cases where the children’s welfare is being questioned, the action may be justified. These types of concerns are addressed through the case management concept of the program.

A child, during their teenage years, being aware of their newfound independence, may create or intensify family-conflict between its members, especially parents. The family court system allows teenage children to make decisions as to their residency, which can create future conflict, especially in areas of custody and child support. Due to their lack of life experience, teenage children are not able to fully comprehend how the consequences of their actions may affect their family.

When looked at closely, a teenager’s behavior may often imitate that of their parents. Their decisions often do not reflect their long-term best interests, but instead satisfy their short-term want of power. Frequently one parent, seeking personal advantage will unduly influence a teenager to make a decision that is not in the best interests of the family and intensify the family-conflict.

Ultimately subjected to this type of environment children end up being harmed, causing them to become spoiled, and demanding and controlling of their parents. These children grow into adults lacking the social skills that they need to become sensible well-adjusted parents themselves. Teenage children in this situation often lose respect for authority and may become uncaring towards one or both of their parents. Their relationship with their siblings may also be negatively affected due to conflicting loyalties of the siblings to the parents. Manipulation is demonstrated by the following:

• Teenagers threatening to move and live with the other parent in order to get their way and to exert control over their parents.

• One parent using gifts, promises and inappropriate freedoms to influence their teenage child to move to their home in order to obtain custody and collect child support benefits.

• Parents become fearful of exercising appropriate disciple out of fear that the child may withdraw, in favour of the other parent.

Lawyers and other professionals can play a significant role during the early stages of family-conflict by further enhancing an adversarial position for their client, often without consideration for the best interests of the family-unit. Their obligation to protect their client’s best interests brings about actions that heighten the family’s existing conflict. The current design of our judicial system unfortunately makes it very difficult for lawyers to take a non-adversarial position in representing their client’s best interests. Due to their formal education and courtroom training, a lawyer will usually approach a client’s case involving family-conflict from an adversarial position, failing to understand the overwhelming positive benefits to the family that result from a harmonious parenting arrangement. These actions support many of the causes of conflict previously mentioned and frequently include the following as well:

• Failure of the lawyer to encourage equal parenting time, and instead, encourages the pursuit to win sole custody for their client.

• Manipulation of information in a manner that negatively portray the other parent in the worst possible light.

• Suppression of facts that may be beneficial to all members of the family. E.g. A lawyer may impede records due to their favoring the other parents case or use delay tactics.

• Knowingly promote questionable or false allegations, which cause many times irreparable damage to the other parent.

• The Parent or lawyer send the children to obtain reports, knowing that the reports will be biased and slanted only in favour their client, while ignoring the overall interests of the family.

False allegations and twisting of the facts is one sure fire way to get parties into conflict. Unfortunately, the adversarial legal process is responsible for this in many instances. The adversarial process forces each side to paint the best picture of themselves as possible while painting the other party in the worst possible light.

It is not uncommon for one party to gasp "I can’t believe that he/she would say that about me". Once one party has made allegations or twisted the truth to disadvantage the other party, the downward spiral to outright war, often is the result. The other party now has no option but to respond with the same sort of rhetoric.

• A parent will claim they are being stalked just because they happened to run into their ex-spouses at some public location such as a shopping mall.

• A spouse with a restraining order against another parent will attempt to charge the parent with a breach of the restraining order even if the parent has a third party attempt to call, even if it to speak about matters affecting the children.

• Parents will allege that they were physically or emotionally abused by the other parent when the couple may have had minor problems.

• Claim that a parent had little to do with care of the children, when in fact the opposite is true.

Restoring a power-balance between parents encourages the elimination of elements that create family conflict. This neutralizing of power, one of the program’s significant components in providing an overall solution, promotes the development of a conflict-free environment resulting in considerable benefits for the family-unit. The varied solutions and examples described below, create a framework that enables a family to begin approaching their new family-arrangement in a straightforward and cooperative manner.

The incentives to cooperative parenting embodied within the program provide a strong foundation to resolve the vast majority of family-conflict situations without the need for enforcement. In a relatively small number of cases where severe conflict exists and a parent is unreasonable or uncooperative, effective enforcement will play a important role.

Effective and prompt enforcement in these severe cases is important in order to make clear to the offending parent that the breach of their court Order will not be tolerated. Parents who may consider breaching an Order, will likely reconsider knowing that enforcement will be prompt and effective, and will reflect negatively on their position.

The program provides provisions for enforcement of Orders using the following strategies to be effective:

• Clearly defining within the Order the actions the enforcement body would proceed with when a specific breach of the Order occurs in the event of access denial or failure to contribute to the financial support of children.

• Personally reviewing with each parent the particular enforcement actions that have been included in the Order. Providing each parent with an outline of all enforcement actions that will result if a breach of their Order occurs.

• Educating of enforcement bodies (e.g. police) so that when called upon to promptly respond the enforcement body will act swiftly, knowing that this is what the community expects.

• Remedial actions will be built into program so that parents will not need to go back to court to resolve a breach of the order.

Strict standards of equality and fairness are incorporated throughout the program’s guidelines and procedures. The parenting program is designed to ensure both parents receive the opportunity to equally parent their children. Some of the areas where equality and fairness would be addressed are:

• Participation in the transportation of the children to school, special occasions and events, holidays, etc.

• Ensure that each child’s bond, traditions and customs with both immediate and extended families is maintained

• Contribution to the financial support of the children in a fair and equitable manner.

• Treatment of children as persons with certain rights, and not as the parent’s possession.

The financial requirement of this program minimizes the potential for conflict between parents caused by one parent attempting to achieve financial gain, a common goal in today's adversarial system. Procedures in the program ensure that money paid as child support by one parent is used for the child and not as directed to the personal gain of the other parent. When alimony is required, it should be clearly specified and disassociated from the child's maintenance. The following procedures address the problem of financial gain by ensuring that:

• Each parent contributes a fair amount of financial support to the child based on his/her individual income.

• Ensuring that neither parent will financially benefit when a child wishes to change residency arrangements without mutual consent or without a good reason.

• That each parent’s income is accurately and fairly reported and verified when required.

• That accountants assist in maintaining records to reflect that support monies are used properly in the care of the child

• Claims of misuse of support monies will be fairly investigated by workers with the program who are familiar with financial matters.

• That each parent maintain records to reflect how and where support monies are used but excluding small expenditures so that record keeping is simplified. A simple monthly budget sheet, updated annually will be adequate in most cases.

The circumstances of parents being misguided and pushed by outside parties to unwisely oppose (seek to hurt the other parent) each other will always exist. There will always be trouble-makers who will encourage one parent to take the other to court. This program, will however, provide the framework which by reasonable persons outside of the conflict will more easily determine that it may not be advantageous to begin an adversarial process. This program addresses the problem of third party conflict encouragement with the use of the following strategies:

• Providing independent third party services (mediation and support) to all family members.

• Providing fair, equitable, unbiased services to all parties and providing fair and equitable solutions that withstand the scrutiny of third parties.

• Incorporating positive incentives to encourage parents who are unreasonable to become more reasonable.

• Employing principles and guidelines that ensuring that neither party will be a "winner" or "loser" throughout the process.

The program incorporates various educational components that will equip family members with the skills to assist them in understanding and coping with their new family arrangement. Family members will be encouraged to participate on a voluntary basis in those areas that most apply to their circumstances. The program will fully utilize the community’s existing information/educational resources, which could include:

• Educational materials (e.g. literature, videos etc.) relating to separation and divorce which demonstrate the best interests of the children.

• Educating older children about the importance of respect for both parents and the importance of maintaining healthy relationships within the family.

• Workshops for parents that focus on anger management, parental alienation, co-parenting and the prevention/elimination of family violence.

• Age appropriate workshops for children focusing on coping skills and their role in their family’s separation/divorce and prevention/elimination of family violence.

The program will through effective incentives promote cooperative parenting and voluntary compliance. These incentives are to play a major role in supporting parents to be proactive in collectively doing what is best for their family. Cooperative parenting is known to have a significant positive impact on a child’s emotional long-term development. Children living in a cooperative environment are better prepared to fulfill their own parental role later in life. Cooperative parenting is promoted by:

• Reassurance that each parent’s parental rights will be maintained so long as they continue cooperative parenting.

• Separation/Divorce/Parenting education of parents which emphasizes the benefits of cooperative parenting and the role that each of them contributes to the overall well being of their family.

• Giving both parents an equal and fair opportunity to demonstrate their ability to parent and contribute towards the best interests of their children

• Clearly defined and effective graduated noncompliance/enforcement measures, which may include temporary reduction of parental decision-making in circumstances where a parent may demonstrate their unwillingness to parent cooperatively.

• Involvement and support of others in the community which helps parents to voluntarily comply with their parental responsibilities

Support involving both the community and the program team will play a substantial role in eliminating family-conflict. The program utilizes individuals and organizations from the family’s community who will comprise part of the family’s particular support team. Their various capacities have been outlined in the section "Introduction and Outline" of this manual. Through their support and professional guidance the family will progress towards their goal of a healthy post separation or divorce relationship.

Family health-care professionals and members of the public acknowledge that parents become more accountable and cooperative when community members/friends become involved in assisting the family. Some of the support persons would include:

• Family Coordinators

• Professionals such as: Psychologists, Doctors, Lawyers

• Personal support-persons such as friends, relatives, neighbours

• Others from the community such as teachers, church leaders, etc.

Reducing the involvement of the current court process will have a major corresponding effect in decreasing a family’s-conflict. Courts by their very nature are an adversarial system, which forces family members to take an adversarial position against each other. This program is designed to minimize the use of the court system. Under the program the role of the court is to place the weight of law behind the community in its efforts to help the family. Minimizing the use of the judicial system minimizes financial and emotional burdens on the family.

Reducing involvement of the courts is accomplished through:

• Clearly defined enforcement measures, which do not make it necessary for parents to go back to court to force compliance.

• Clearly defined and all encompassing Orders which cover almost every contingency that parents may encounter

This program includes innovative and effective solutions to the serious problem of child support. It addresses the underlying causes of conflict relating to financial support of the children with solutions that are not only fair to the children but at the same time treat both parents equally, fairly and give them the equal opportunity to demonstrate their abilities to parent their children. At the same time it provides incentives to maintain this healthy working relationship. Under this program both parents contribute equitably to the support of the children in relation to their proportionate incomes in almost the same manner as if they would have if the family was intact. Some of the factors that end conflict over child support are:

• Establish a budget for the child’s expenses that is fair and reasonable.

• Have both parents contribute directly into a shared child expense account that both parents spend on the child in a proportionate and fair manner.

• Both parents have the opportunity to share in the expenditures for the child which allows the child to see that both parents are contributing to their well being. Having both parents purchase clothes for the child for example can be an important aspect of reinforcement of the parent & child relationship role shared by both parents and children.

Sept 13, 2000

This page is reprinted from "The Family Assistance and Parent Support Program" manual published by Family Conflict Resolution Services. For the latest version of the program manual contact the authors